Breakthrough

I told you it wouldn't take long!

As with any deep seeded issue, the only way to come at it is to find the root. And tonight, during yet another phone conversation with my friend, Angel Benton, I stumbled upon that big ass root and fell flat on my face at the bottom of the tree.

Some of you may recall an entry from a few months back where I was talking about how my biggest problem has to do with balance. I'm an extremist to the point that it is self-defeating. If I have a bite of chocolate, I may as well have the whole bar, not go to the gym and not even work the rest of the day. This is my pattern.
Well, there's something I wasn't noticing in this pattern that goes a layer deeper than just lack of balance.

I am the epitome of the destructive perfectionist. All of which stems from ego. Me, me, me, me -- I am going to be PERFECT today! Or I'm going to be nothing at all.

Remember my entry a couple of days ago where I said I'd been consistently let down by everyone in my life at one time or another from as far back as I can remember? I expect super human perfection out of other people because I expect it out of myself. And imagine how I feel when I can't achieve it! Which, of course, I never can because the idea of absolute perfection is an illusion. But to expect this of myself and then every second of every day not achieve it means that every second of every day I hate myself a little more for not "coming through" for myself, just as I have deemed that others haven't "come through" for my in my life.

Jane Fonda once said something on "Inside the Actor's Studio" that I thought was so profound, I wrote it down: "We have to usher perfection to the door, slam it shut and not let it in anymore. It's born of the disease to please and it makes sure you never feel good enough. Gods are perfect. We're mortals. All we should strive for is completion, not perfection. It's toxic."

Now, this "disease," as our good lady Jane calls it, of perfectionism leads right into the other problem in our domino effect: Expectations. This sword cuts both ways -- expecting perfection out of any given situation OR because you're consistently let down by expecting perfection, replacing it with an expectation for disaster. Both of these expectations are unreal. The latter is one I'm especially familiar with: Pulling the floor out from underneath you because you're sure someone else will if you won't; Not allowing yourself to dream at all because you're afraid your dreams will not come true; Not letting people in because you're sure they're only going to hurt you. These are all "control" issues -- wanting to control the outcome, even if the outcome is negative! It's rationalized as, "At least then, it's me doing the damage and I know when the ball is coming at me!"

Up until this revelation, it is accurate to say that I would have rather inflicted a negative outcome on myself for any given situation than have a possibility of it going either direction. To leave room for uncertainty is terrorizing for me.

"That's crazy!" Angel said tonight over the phone. "Why would you want to know the ending to your own story?! Why are you so scared of uncertainty? Why do you associate uncertainty with terror?"

And it was those words that made me trip right over the root. Why do I associate uncertainty with terror? I knew the answer to that one immediately. "Fuck, get me on the doctor's couch, quick!" I laughed. "It's because I grew up coming home to uncertainty every day of my life and it was terrorizing! It was years and years of walking on eggshells and never knowing when the shit was going to hit the fan. And it always hit the fan. Every night. I could count on that. I could count on my dreams not coming true. I could count on the people I trusted letting me down. I could count on being abused. The way I learned to deal with it was by accepting that at least I knew this was going to happen every night. At least it wasn't a shock. I just had to be on my guard and be prepared for it, but at least I'm not going to think that because things are going swimmingly for an hour that life isn't going to drastically change when the old man gets drunk later in the evening."

My best friend has told me for the past year, "Your problem is you don't know how to be happy." She was close. It's not that I don't know how. It's that I'm afraid of being happy because I'm afraid of it being taken away by someone other than me.

Truth is, we're never in control. And to try to force a moment is not living in it. It's not trusting in yourself and your ability to travel through the tide. It's not trusting in an ultimate power and divine purpose and design beneath the disorder. Control is one of the illusions of the Monster or Ego or Satan or Darkness, whatever you want to call it, to make us feel powerful, though the true power actually lies in being able to go with the flow.

Now that I know where this pattern began and that it isn't natural, I can take the cognitive steps to correct it whenever I feel it. The #1 priority there is in accepting that it exists within me instead of putting on a mask and saying, "No, I cast you out! That's not really me!" It really is me. I really am a little screwed up like the rest of the world. I am flawed. I am not perfect. And I have to start loving myself anyway. Right now! And to love other people despite their flaws, too.

Ultimately, this is a great gift. If our purpose on Earth is to transform into more positive, sharing beings, every obstacle and negative situation is another step up that ladder. Fears give us an opportunity to banish reactive traits within our make up to become more proactive.

And in staring these fears face to face and accepting they exist, it may even get a little worse before it can get better -- but the willingness to face it, to walk through it and transform... that willingness is 99% of the battle.


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My Angel

Forgive me, I have forgotten to give credit where credit is due! During my identity crisis the other night, it was actually my friend and fellow WeHo celebutante Angel Benton who talked me off the ledge. In fact, key phrases like "Anything worth achieving in life is going to be scary," actually belong to him and you can find more of Angel's words of wisdom on his crazy ass blog at: http://angel-benton.livejournal.com/ You may know him from his blockbuster indie film, "Britney, Baby... One More Time" or from his work as a host at local club events. Or if you live in Japan, you know him as the Nancy O'Dell of Japaneese television! Yeh, he and I are like two peas in a pod really. Our work is reeeeally scattered with a very diverse fan base.

Anyway, one thing I didn't mention in my "I'm going crazy" entry was another bit of wisdom Angel imparted. While I was frantically running through the long list of things I hate about myself and how it is preventing me from actually getting anything accomplished in my life, Angel stopped me and said, "Okay, well. What DO you like about yourself? I mean, you've had sex with lots of people! Is there anything about yourself you like?'
That didn't take much thought on my part. "Oh yeah! I love my lips and I love my cock. But I don't think they're why I get so much play. I think the only reason I get it is because I'm just plain a good fuck."

Angel honed in on that one immediately. "Well, there's a start!" he laughed. "Wait, now you are totally confident in that?"

"ABSOLUTELY!" I laughed back. "That is one area that I am completely confident in my abilities. I may secretly think they hate the package, but I know they love the work!"

"Well, if you were hiring someone for a job, would you want to pick someone who looked good or someone who was good at what they do?" he asked. Hmm! This is going deep! So to speak. "And let's face it, they're there to get a job done, right? And how many totally gorgeous boys do you know who have been awful lays? And if you have confidence in this area of your life, why aren't you going and fucking Hollywood on every audition? Why don't you walk in and make them your bitch with the same energy you do with any trick? Why don't you tackle all of your projects that way?"

OH MY! Naturally, I loved it! It's true! I mean, I really should be working on feeling that confident in all areas of my life, but that is something that takes time. It doesn't happen overnight. And if I have an audition tomorrow, this bit could come in handy! Cuz after all, like that quote on my News Desk the other week: We're never ready for anything. We just find a way to do it and that makes us ready.



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Expressions Unlimited

Feeling MUCH better today! Got unplugged for a while today I think. I went to my acting coach's Saturday class this morning and for anyone who knows Bobbie Chance and how she operates her actor's "therapy" sessions on Saturday's, it is pretty intense. It forces you to be vulnerable and deal with your shit in front of strangers. Lots of screaming, lots of crying, lots of dumping your fear and getting out of your own way. Today's breakthrough for me personally included an exercise where we say emotionally gut wrenching phrases ranging from "I don't like the way I look" to "I'm going to be who I want to be" over and over in a wide variety of emotions each time, arcing from sadness to fear to happiness to sarcasm to anger to panic to ecstasy! That one got me shedding a few tears even through the laughter.

But the biggest breakthrough was getting there at all. I have been so scared to go back because it really does force you to deal with your shit and no one really LIKES having the layers of bullshit peeled away until they're naked in front of total strangers. The thought of going was absolutely petrifying! But that's why I knew I had to go and felt it wasn't a coincidence that I was going through what I was going through last night.

*sigh* Truth is, acting has always gotten me to a deeper place of truth. It has freed me and saved me by forcing myself to open doors within myself for these characters to come through; doors that usually remain locked. My father said recently that turning away from your calling is the fastest way to get you on a downward spiral. Hmm. Father knows best! Sometimes.

Bobbie's class, by the way, is called Expressions Unlimited and you can get a look at it on her web site at: www.BobbieChance.com. She's the one you saw on WB's "The Starlet" and that E! show, too. She's coached everyone from Drew Barrymore to Jack Nicholson and they sometimes come in and visit the class or do improvs with us. I would highly suggest checking it out.


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Phoenix Rising

In case the ten thousand "quizzes" posted on my MySpace page didn't make it clear enough, I have been on a self analysis kick this past week. Just an extension of the past few entries on dreams and self-worth really, as I continue to face myself in the mirror on a daily basis and see how much I may not actually like myself as much as I had pretended to for years. The more I see how much I fear and hold myself back, the more I realize how consuming it has become.

The truth is, I don't think I've ever been so utterly terrified in my life.

It's sort of like this. I had a box of masks. And I wore a different one for every occasion because I hated my own face so much. But I got tired of it and decided to throw out the entire box. Now I am petrified of people seeing the real me. Warts and all. I live in total fear. And as we all know, I believe fear is Satan. So somehow, it's gotten its claws into me. Deep.

I could say I didn't always used to be this way, but I think that might be a lie. I just had the masks to keep me going. Throwing out that box has left me stripped, baring everything under the pink and at the same time, refreshingly, an empty slate.

I feel like I have been consistently let down by people in my life since as far back as I can remember. And so, to make sure the floor boards aren't taken out from under me ever again, I take them out from under myself so I at least am in control of it. That's pretty sick, isn't it? I am the only thing that stands in my way of making all of my dreams come true and believing in me.

My bravado, my confidence, my spiritual beliefs even -- they each resided in one of those masks. And now that the box is gone, I am faced with having to start from the ground up. So I'm starting to understand why newborns cry so much, you know? It does helps knowing that I'm the one who cooked up those masks in the first place and that their recipies must be within me. I just need to integrate them into me now.

I am forced to face, without these masks, the constant state of fear and self-judgment in which I put myself. I am forced to admit, without the facade, that I find my body and my face grossly unattractive, that I don't believe I could ever become the superstar I dreamt up when I was so young, that I have allowed other people's opinions and labels to become who I am, that I don't believe I will ever find my dream man and so I have consistently settled for someone I thought was lesser than me so that they'd never leave or someone I thought was more than me to the point that I felt I had to cling to them because they were the only ones who would ever put up with my sorry ass, and that I don't ever allow myself to trust in anyone or anything, not even God let alone the God within me.

And for the first time, when I catch myself in those habits, to say, "Now, now! What are you doing?" instead of saying, "Nope. That's not me. I'm not doing that at all. I'm over here!" Dealing vs. denial.

This is all kind of hard to explain, really. I think people who have been through or are going through something similar though will be able to "get it" and that's all I'm really concerned with. That and, I suppose, that just publishing an entry like this is the first step towards embracing vulnerability and putting my naked, flawed self out to feel the warmth of the sun for the first time.

To end this on a more positive note, let me tell you something: I've had it. I'm real mother fucking over it. I have felt this way for a long, long time -- and now that I've admitted it out loud, the battle is half over. I plan on aiming higher than I ever have before and I know in my soul, as I've always known, that I am destined for great things. I may be filled with fear at this moment, but I also know that everything worth achieving in life is scary and I have only one direction to go from here. It's just a matter of asking myself: "Whose side are you going to be on today?" And it should always be: "Mine."

And by the way, as always, I appreciate your love and support, those who read and write in consistently. It has gotten me through a particularly difficult year, more than you'll ever know. When others don't come through, you're always there. Rest assured, I am rising, phoenix from the flame, my own self this time and no one else's.


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The Gospel of Judas

I have been drawn to Judas Iscariot since I was a little boy. My mother used to listen to "Heaven on Their Minds" from Jesus Christ Superstar while I was in the womb (We wonder why I'm gay?!) and as a child, I gravitated towards the song and the story. I would always play his character when acting out the show as a kid in my bedroom and it was probably some of the first acting I ever did because I felt his pain so deeply. And I felt like something was wrong. In my gut, even then, I instinctively knew, something didn't add up. Someone wasn't telling this story right.

Driven underground for over 1800 years, not only has the Gospel of Judas been found, but it has recently been indisputably authenticated. They're saying it could turn the Christian church on its head. Mmm, doubtful. The church has grown accustomed to ignoring every other gospel castrated from the Bible, so I don't see why this one would be much different. Still, the story is fascinating and for those of us who believe in listening to what they don't want us to know, it is very powerful.

Through the ages, Judas has become a bad word. Just like the pages of papyrus the Coptic script was scrawled upon, it has been torn to smithereens and will take decades of work to rehabilitate. These days, the name Judas is heavily associated with betrayal, deceit and even anti-Semitism as he became a poster child for Hitler's war against the Jews.

Back on the topic of musicals, has anyone seen "Wicked"? The Gospel of Judas is very similar, actually. In "Wicked," they take the story of "The Wizard of Oz" but metaphorically pan the cameras to the side and say, "Yes, but what you don't know is that this was going on over here." This is the second side there is to every story, told through the eyes of the one who was deemed "wicked." And thanks to the modern technology of radio carbon dating, we can make no mistake: History records there was another side of the story.

Truth be told, there are more than 30 gospels out there that have been authenticated. The good book is missing a whole lot of pages! And guess what all the pages have in common? They're nearly all of Gnostic faith. Gnostics believe that we are all capable of connecting to the divine, though we can not comprehend it; that we each have a spark of the divine within us ("made in his image") and that to know thy true, pure self is the closest we can come to knowing God ("behold the dwelling of God is with men") in this body or physical realm -- which is a prison for our souls, they believe. Actually, they wouldn't say God. They would say G-d. They believe that since we can not begin to comprehend Him, we should show humility and respect by not assuming any sort of understanding by labeling. This is also why modern day Kabbalah calls it "the light." Kabbalah is one of many Gnostic religions.

In fact, the only four gospels that are severely anti-Gnostic are the ones that somehow made their way into The Bible. Even when other gospels were discovered a few years after the rule of Constantine and the Christian movement, Iranius refused to accept them, saying that there were four directions of the wind and therefore only four gospels. Of course, today, this sounds utterly ridiculous. But why were these four chosen in the first place?

Politics. How do you get people to convert to your beliefs? Well, the easy route is to put fear in them, preferably the fear of God. (We're still doing this today, aren't we, Mr. Bush?) The last thing the leaders needed was people thinking they didn't need their advice, their insight, their control. If people could connect to the Divine on their own, a lot of religious and political figures would be completely out of job and no longer in "control." So it was then. So it is today.

The gospels of Mary, Truth, Thomas, Phillip -- they've all floated with Judas as the many Gnostic gospels that, though authenticated and though out-numbering those in the Bible (four versus thirty-plus?!), the church refuses to acknowledge for obvious reasons. Their reason? One of leading Christian church figures in America recently stated their reason for this to National Geographic: "Why would you need to read anything else? I can't think of anything left to say that isn't said in Mark, Matthew, Luke and John." But for some of us, there's always more to be learned and always a second side to every story.

The lost gnostic gospels have never labeled Judas as a villain and in fact, neither do all of the ones in the modern day Bible. In fact, he seems to get more evil as the four books go along. Mark passes no judgment on Judas whatsoever, but by the time we get to John, we have him portrayed as being possessed by Satan.

One thing they all share in common though: Judas was Jesus's best friend.

According to the gospel of Judas, his turning Jesus in was not an act of betrayal, but an act of obedience as he was acting under orders from his best friend and was acting, in fact, very much against his own will.

One thing that struck me the most about this gospel is how much Jesus laughs with him. That's not in the Bible much, Jesus laughing, you know? So that tells me these two were frat brothers. They shared a bond and understood each other in a way no one else could, much like Jesus's unique relationship with Mary.

According to this gospel, Judas, like Jesus, accepted that he had the ability to connect with that spark within him and came to understand through Jesus's teachings that we are all capable of so much more than we realize. Because he was more advanced than the others, Jesus singled him out regularly and taught him more. "Your star's brilliance will eclipse all the others," Jesus told him, telling him that his "gift" to him would be the greatest of all. The gift of turning him in. The gift of "sacrificing the man that clothes me," meaning sacrificing his body, his flesh. Naturally! It's a Gnostic gospel! So they believe the crucifixion freed Jesus's tremendous soul of the prison of his body and of this world.

Jesus could not turn himself in. (Ever notice that?!) Judas did what his brother could not bare to do. Like a best friend for life who has been asked to pull the plug, through a flood of tears, he did as his hero, his mentor and the great love of his life asked of him.

And then he was left with no one. The other apostles were already jealous as hell because of the special relationship he shared with Jesus. (Just look at how John's student portrayed him according to his gospel! Isn't it strange how John's gospel is consistently the most crazy and contradicting? I think whatever student of his penned that one was just wacky!) And now that he seemingly turned on Jesus, they weren't about to let him continue being a part of the club.

Judas Iscariot dug deep within himself to find the strength to do what no one else could for his best friend and for the world, and was then left in that world completely abandoned. A world full of ridicule, misconceptions and no one who could possibly understand him like Christ had. Grief stricken, he hung himself. The romantic in me says maybe it was because he couldn't bare to not be near him. Whatever the case, without Jesus by his side, he found it difficult to find that strength within himself ever again, as so many people do today. With or without Jesus by their side.

The Gospel of Judas is one of the saddest stories I've ever read, but ultimately it is an inspiring tale. Jesus taught Judas that we are capeable of so much more than we know and then put him to the test, forcing him to dig deep within himself for that spark of the divine to carry out what was the hardest sacrifice he would ever have to make.

In times of hardship, especially as it pertains to friendship and sacrificing your own needs for that of your closest friends, I will remember you, Judas Iscariot.


*** CLICK HERE to purchase "The Gospel of Judas" from Amazon.com!


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Why Hot Runs Cold: A Work in Progress

In my constant journey of self-help, be it born of a desire to give the world the best version of myself or just being self consumed, I noticed something about me recently that needs to change. I was at dinner with an old friend the other night and we were discussing how we both have the same problem when it comes to sex with men we love. The moment they begin to completely adore us is the moment we become entirely turned off. Now, this isn't to say that we don't want that adoration from the beginning! Personally, I love being treated like a God when I stick my dick inside someone. I don't want a challenge. I want someone to beg for me. That is, the first time we have sex that's what I want. Maybe even the second time. Or third time. When you start hitting fourth or fifth time and you've definitely seen every nook and cranny of my naked body and you're still just drooling for it, something clicks inside of me to the point that I get nearly repulsed and don't want the person even touching me! My friend? The same problem. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of us out there have this problem.

Now, during the repulsed turn of phase, I, of course, convince myself that they were never very attractive to begin with and that's why I'm over them now. But the more I've thought about this in recent reflection, the more I realized it was completely unfounded. These were hot guys! Guys who, years later, I would resume fantasizing about! Hell, some of them were just plain drop dead gorgeous. So what does this tell us?

Well first of all, it tells us that it's not their problem, it's mine. (Big shock, huh!) And let's be honest, I've known this for a long time. I've known this was something I should probably be looking at and dealing with for years, but I never even gave it a second's thought -- probably because I knew if I did, I'd realize the reason for my behavior is pretty simple. It sucks, but it's simple!

I don't think anyone I think is really hot could possibly think I'm really hot!

I mean, if they think I'M really hot, they must be a total loser right?

These are the things that go through my head.

I used to think I couldn't even have sex with hot people. Waaaay back in the day! But then I started having sex with LOTS of hot people and I guess I started justifying it all in my head when it would happen. Oh, it was just the right place at the right time. Oh, they just wanted to experiment. Oh, he wants something else out of me. Oh, he must've been super horny. And I guess when it gets to a point that I can no longer find an excuse, I would rather turn myself off and shuck them to the curb than actually face the fact that someone I find hot as hell could feel the same way about me.

How I got to this point I'm not sure. I don't consider myself a person who has low self-esteem. But I definitely grew up feeling like a very unattractive child. So I blossomed and got better looking as I got older. Still didn't make me feel I could look hot to someone when I first get out of bed in the morning. So I got involved in front of the camera a lot! Still didn't feel cute without all that makeup and good lighting. So I lost a bunch of weight and got super thin! Still saw the same person when I looked in the mirror. No matter how cute we may think we are NOW, many of us can't help but feel, "Well, deep down inside, I'm just that nobody awkward ugly duckling I was way back when." But we're not. Um... are we?

Just recognizing this and knowing this is probably more than half the battle of dealing with the issue. Last night, someone was kissing me who I've kissed a hundred times before and at first, I felt nothing until I reminded myself of this little revelation and said, "You find him hot. He finds you hot. Fucking deal with it." And then I melted and it was the best kiss ever.

I'm a perfectionist and though I recognize we're all imperfect, I sure don't like it very much! I don't like my body being imperfect and so long as it is, which, let's face it, it will always be, I will never feel truly comfortable in my own naked body. Unless I accept that "perfect" is an illusion. Unless I stop putting such super human demands on myself. Unless I live in my spirituality of embracing the present moment which would include embracing my body in this present moment. Unless every time I feel scared to take my shirt off by the pool, I force myself to take it off and accept that nobody is even fucking looking anyway!

Unless I just finally accept that not only can I have everything I want, but love myself enough to know that I actually deserve it. And that can relate to a whole lot more than just sex, can't it?


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Weekly Kabbalah Astrology
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The Logos
New World Astrology
SpiritualityforKids.com


Have questions? Need advice? Want to share? EMAIL Jason at jason@jasonsechrest.com