Breakthrough

I told you it wouldn't take long!
As with any deep seeded issue, the only way to come at it is to find the root. And tonight, during yet another phone conversation with my friend, Angel Benton, I stumbled upon that big ass root and fell flat on my face at the bottom of the tree.
Some of you may recall an entry from a few months back where I was talking about how my biggest problem has to do with balance. I'm an extremist to the point that it is self-defeating. If I have a bite of chocolate, I may as well have the whole bar, not go to the gym and not even work the rest of the day. This is my pattern.
Well, there's something I wasn't noticing in this pattern that goes a layer deeper than just lack of balance.
I am the epitome of the destructive perfectionist. All of which stems from ego. Me, me, me, me -- I am going to be PERFECT today! Or I'm going to be nothing at all.
Remember my entry a couple of days ago where I said I'd been consistently let down by everyone in my life at one time or another from as far back as I can remember? I expect super human perfection out of other people because I expect it out of myself. And imagine how I feel when I can't achieve it! Which, of course, I never can because the idea of absolute perfection is an illusion. But to expect this of myself and then every second of every day not achieve it means that every second of every day I hate myself a little more for not "coming through" for myself, just as I have deemed that others haven't "come through" for my in my life.
Jane Fonda once said something on "Inside the Actor's Studio" that I thought was so profound, I wrote it down: "We have to usher perfection to the door, slam it shut and not let it in anymore. It's born of the disease to please and it makes sure you never feel good enough. Gods are perfect. We're mortals. All we should strive for is completion, not perfection. It's toxic."
Now, this "disease," as our good lady Jane calls it, of perfectionism leads right into the other problem in our domino effect: Expectations. This sword cuts both ways -- expecting perfection out of any given situation OR because you're consistently let down by expecting perfection, replacing it with an expectation for disaster. Both of these expectations are unreal. The latter is one I'm especially familiar with: Pulling the floor out from underneath you because you're sure someone else will if you won't; Not allowing yourself to dream at all because you're afraid your dreams will not come true; Not letting people in because you're sure they're only going to hurt you. These are all "control" issues -- wanting to control the outcome, even if the outcome is negative! It's rationalized as, "At least then, it's me doing the damage and I know when the ball is coming at me!"
Up until this revelation, it is accurate to say that I would have rather inflicted a negative outcome on myself for any given situation than have a possibility of it going either direction. To leave room for uncertainty is terrorizing for me.
"That's crazy!" Angel said tonight over the phone. "Why would you want to know the ending to your own story?! Why are you so scared of uncertainty? Why do you associate uncertainty with terror?"
And it was those words that made me trip right over the root. Why do I associate uncertainty with terror? I knew the answer to that one immediately. "Fuck, get me on the doctor's couch, quick!" I laughed. "It's because I grew up coming home to uncertainty every day of my life and it was terrorizing! It was years and years of walking on eggshells and never knowing when the shit was going to hit the fan. And it always hit the fan. Every night. I could count on that. I could count on my dreams not coming true. I could count on the people I trusted letting me down. I could count on being abused. The way I learned to deal with it was by accepting that at least I knew this was going to happen every night. At least it wasn't a shock. I just had to be on my guard and be prepared for it, but at least I'm not going to think that because things are going swimmingly for an hour that life isn't going to drastically change when the old man gets drunk later in the evening."
My best friend has told me for the past year, "Your problem is you don't know how to be happy." She was close. It's not that I don't know how. It's that I'm afraid of being happy because I'm afraid of it being taken away by someone other than me.
Truth is, we're never in control. And to try to force a moment is not living in it. It's not trusting in yourself and your ability to travel through the tide. It's not trusting in an ultimate power and divine purpose and design beneath the disorder. Control is one of the illusions of the Monster or Ego or Satan or Darkness, whatever you want to call it, to make us feel powerful, though the true power actually lies in being able to go with the flow.
Now that I know where this pattern began and that it isn't natural, I can take the cognitive steps to correct it whenever I feel it. The #1 priority there is in accepting that it exists within me instead of putting on a mask and saying, "No, I cast you out! That's not really me!" It really is me. I really am a little screwed up like the rest of the world. I am flawed. I am not perfect. And I have to start loving myself anyway. Right now! And to love other people despite their flaws, too.
Ultimately, this is a great gift. If our purpose on Earth is to transform into more positive, sharing beings, every obstacle and negative situation is another step up that ladder. Fears give us an opportunity to banish reactive traits within our make up to become more proactive.
And in staring these fears face to face and accepting they exist, it may even get a little worse before it can get better -- but the willingness to face it, to walk through it and transform... that willingness is 99% of the battle.
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Have questions? Need advice? Want to share? EMAIL Jason at jason@jasonsechrest.com